I don’t know were exactly to start this blog.  We are not home.  I am in Osaka I have the girls with me.  I would like to share the reason why I am in Osaka it is something positive for me but I do not have happy news to report so let me come straight with it.  I mentioned about Hatsukos friend the one that collapsed at school.  She died.  The girl was 11 years old.  All I know was she was laughing and giggling when she was walking with Hatsuko.  They were on their way to do something when she collapsed.  I am not a doctor don’t know the details other than she died rather quickly.  Excuse my language but Hatsuko is really fucked up right now.  I am not asking details on what caused the girls death, so please respect that and not inquire. 

Again we are in Osaka, I am in the recording studio regarding a audition.  When I am not in the studio I am with the girls.  This is going to take a while so to all those whim waited patiently please stand by for now.  I will resume this blog once things start to feel normal

In this forum of mine which is my blogs, my main reason was to focus on my girls and the adoption and how things have been.  I did speak of such and also expanded my blog to include other issues.  It was nice to hear feedback from people both in and out.  So this morning as I write this I am finally cooled down from the temper I had yesterday.  Before you say, oh boy here she goes again something about her being gay or this girl she opened her heart out to but got rejected, her band or someone doing something.  This blog is supposed to be about the kids.  So before you get upset this is about to go in a direction that will leave you all in shock, and a few of you grossed out.  And it combines everything I mentioned to include the girls.

Now the new house here is still in some chaos.  We are unpacking things still setting up our new home getting in to this new beginning.  Now I didn’t mention that my aunt Hiroko has been trying to play matchmaker.    If I did I am sorry.  I have so much family here in Japan.  But Aunt Hiroko is the kind of lady who believes she knows what's best for you and will try to force it down your throat till you give in.  Everyone gives in to her.  They don’t like dealing with the drama so they just take the beatings cause it improves the morale. 

She has been for many years trying to get me to date a guy.  I flat out refuse.  Now this time around as I am setting up a happy home here she has been trying to make that happen.  But let me rewind you a few days.  Lets go back to the day I posted the blog were I let you all vote.  After I posted that blog, I was alone in the house cause both girls had made plans.  So since I had just finished unpacking some boxes I needed a break but I was a bit lonely so I decided to fire up the new laptop and go into my old haunts in Second Life.  See friends hear some live musicians, maybe take in a online movie or game or see what trouble I can get into.  As you all were reading the blog I came across a very attractive avi and got to know the girl behind it.  After a bit of talking and hanging out I took a strong interest in her to a point were I was feeling foolish for having made that blog.  I see old friends I met this girl we are all having fun.  During this time my aunt Hiroko has been plotting and scheming to get me to meet this guy.  Now before you ask his name, I will say now, its not important.  You don’t need to know it because quite frankly if you hear that name again in your lifetime what he does that I will write about in this blog will come back to haunt you.  Perhaps.

Days go by, I am happy and then get the scare of my life when Hatsukos school calls and tells me she had an accident  and was in need of medical attention and that an ambulance was in route to the school.  I went out of my mind.  I was so in a panic and fit I had trouble trying to figure out how to open the car doors.  I was fortunate that a neighbor was home and drove me to the school cause I was hysterical.  When I got there I learned Hatsuko was fine, it was her friend that slipped and fell head first on the stairs were she also hit her neck.  Though I am grateful Hatsuko was safe, the other girl is not and my heart goes out to her family.  Since her injuries we have been folding paper cranes here at the house.  This is Hatsukos best friend in a new school so it means a lot to her.  

So yesterday I go online to Second Life.  I see my sister Umi, and my online daughter (she's a lady who I consider as family like Kiaa who posts comments here) Karalynn, Wonny my drummer.  We are all out shopping online  when I hear a doorbell.  It was aunt Hiroko and the guy and his parents.  I am like who what the F***!?!  That’s right and she just comes right in.  First I am not dressed for company, second my house is not done, and third you don’t bring people to my house and make your way inside without first asking me.  So here I am. now at a table in my living room.  I had to make tea, and lucky I had pastries enough for all.  So I am sitting there and I am hearing my aunt talk and talk about he will make a good husband he doesn’t have a great job but that’s ok cause I do very well financially.  But I got kids and they need a father.  Keep in mind I am not being allowed to get a word in edgewise.  Plus he doesn’t look clean.  His parents look nice though.  Now I keep trying to say something my aunt keeps stopping me my temper is about to pop and I see that the guy is not only shacking but he's sweating buckets!.  I stop my aunt and ask him if he is ok?  He said yes but he takes off his sock and my guess was right cause his foot looked dirty and he uses that dirty sock to wipe his face and neck.  Talk about nasty!

This is were I lost it.  I tell them I am sorry , there is no way I will marry their son cause for starters, I am gay, second, my daughters don’t need a father, I am their mother and it will be I who will choose who will share my life with, third I will not financially support a man who should be busting ass on his own to make a life.  Especially since he is 44 years old.  And last but not least, if I wanted a man it wont be him.  I want one with some backbone who looks like he knows how to use a bar of soap!  With that said I kicked everyone out my house!

He's probably a virgin anyway, and if he is I would not want a man who has to be taught.  I want one that knows what the hell he is doing!       

Now with that said, I feel a hell of a lot better.  I don't know what my aunt was thinking.  I am sure she meant well but I know what's best for me.  And what's best for me are Kiyomi and Hatsuko, and not a guy who I will have to baby like a kid.

Since the posting of my declaration to Nekorina, many of you were in suspense.  Two more additions were made then the words from Nekorina -

Nekorina

5/14/2008 6:58:47 AM

(http://cid-2502ac9367fe4c35.spaces.live.com/)

We need to talk.

After that it was like the world was in suspense again and I found my email and personal messages over flowed with what did she say?  Anything new?  Some from you guys with expressions of love towards me to  your own personal promises of how you would treat me.  Thank you. 

But things have not changed.  Quite honestly her answer is no.  Now is the world still in suspense.  Yes it is.  So much so that I have learned that my blogs are being translated as is into other languages.  Here is a site that is from RUSSIA that is carrying my blog from here http://www.tgsc.ru/redirect/mynekogirl.html .  It appears in English but  it is translated into Russian.  The webmaster contacted me requesting more more more,  Especially now with the Nekorina Announcement.  Here is another site:  http://www.qihoo.com/wenda.php?kw=Kiyomi&do=search&noq=q

The idea that my blog is being fed through over web sites is very overpowering.  So with the question asked of me, of what will I do now regarding Nekorina.  I though that the question was answered when I said I would just move on.  But I see that from all the responses a large number of you are asking me not to give up.  One of you mentioned that by putting it out there to be read I was being honest.  Another said I was being a fool.  Whether it was right or wrong the choice was still mine.  Try to look at it from my own viewpoint.  What do I have to lose?  I can call her tell her over the phone what I said here but that is not enough.  I needed something more than just mere words here.  So I cam clean.  I said it in here for the world to see.  So she could also see that I had opened my entire soul.  It overwhelmed her and it was not enough though to make her stop and say OK and YES.  Does she love me?  She said she does.  Do I?  I wouldn't have opened my soul to love if I wasn’t feeling it for her.  But the question is, Do I put up a fight for her heart and run the risk of pushing her away like I did with Kathryn?  Or do I lick my wounds and just accept the fact I will never be someone special to a person.  Yes I have a mothers love and I get loved by Kiyomi and Hatsuko.  And I am special to them.  But even I cannot deny the part in my heart that begs to ask to be loved.  Can I really be more to someone?  I too want to be loved.  I want to be romanced.  I want to be cuddled and cared and kissed and adored.  I want to feel the hands of a woman embrace me in the bed.  I want to be kissed coming home from work.  I want to hold her in a hot shower and look in her eyes.  I want to grow old and die in my sleep with someone who loved me enough to be there when I breathe my last breath.

So I put this in your hands.  If my blog really means that much to all of you.  All those that apparently read it and translate it then answer me in the comments.  Give me a 1 for a yes or 2 for a no.  If I have less than 5 responses then I will feel like a fool.  So if I mean that much to all of you please respond.  I am very sure of myself, but even  must ask what is right for me.  I don’t have that much experience in love.  Following my heart is not enough.  I don’t have the experience.  So answer me publicly.  Do I go for Nekorina all out with open arms in hopes that something comes of it.  Or do I just stay single and celibate?  1 for a yes 2 for a no.  I place this in your hands.

When I came to this country I left a lot of old baggage behind me.  But one thing I carried with me was the need for closure.  What is sad is that in my years and in my age, my first love came to me in my 40's.  Before then I had none.  I had fear, anxiety, anger, pain.  I had wanted to be loved but never having it, I you tend not to see it.  You desire it but cant see it.  Kathryn came into my life and gave me my first taste.  I spoke of that till I am sure annoyed all of you.  So when I became a mom a whole new world of doors opened to me.  And the door were I came from was finally closed.  Everything stayed in there, to include my desire to be with Kathryn.  I could awake daily and see in the eyes of my girls my reason for being.  All those people I saw before as friends I could now see differently and have a whole new appreciation.

In this clarity I finally saw Nekorina. 

She and I shared much of the same dreams.  One of them to love and be loved.  She is a single mother, with a wonderful daughter.  I finally said to myself to stop being an ass and to stop denying her.  Speaking with both my daughters at length they also helped me see more.  Nekorina and I had talked about these things before.  She and I know the cardinal rule and we both broke it.  I broke the rule for Kathryn and she broke the rule for Sade.  That behind us both we both asked for one person just one to call our own.  Granted she met who she is with now but its not a full commitment.  I wont talk about what they have.  I wont judge and I forbid anyone here to judge whom knows.  All I wanted is to give her a reason and a person to call her own.  And I ask the same.

Yes I asked two days ago and we have talked.  Still despite our conversations she refuses to answer here.  I guess I am wrong.  I believed that she and I desired the same thing.  To be loved by someone as your partner.  Which is why I put it all out there.  I wanted to show whets gone is gone.  I got nothing to hide.  I even decided and called Linden Labs to erase my original avi and all property contained.  Yes Umi I promised you all its content but when I talked of closing that chapter in my life I realized it needed to go.  All of it can be replaced but the memories are both good and bad in there.  That is my level of commitment to my new sense of self worth.  I know who I am again.  A stronger woman.  My life has come full circle and I see new opportunities ahead.

I will not force an answer from Nekorina.  If I am not the one well guess what?  I am not the one.  Period.  I got my daughters and my pride.  I am a big girl and I can take it.  I will hold my head up.  Now my word for not dating has now been reinforced.  I am not mad at anyone.  Just cutting the Bullshit and coming straight with it.  So Nekorina don’t take this personally.  I thought you and I were on the same page but I see I am wrong.  We will just let things be as they are.  No harm there no issues no heartbreak.  I came clean only to do right by you and to show you there is no baggage.  So you would not need to be plagued by any underlying reason.  Yeah I may seem like I am very harsh right now but this is not towards you.  When we spoke the other night you were floored by this new me.  This is not the new me, this is who I was before all the drama messed me up.  I was fierce, I was strong, I was content.  The things you desired in a woman.  That is why I said I have come full circle.  I am once again the woman you first met.  Once again I got my life in the direction I had it.  I know who I am again.  Patience is a virtue, but tolerance is not.  And like before I have zero tolerance.  I like who I am again.  This is the woman I need to be if I am going to raise two girls.  

And I will raise these two girls on my own.  Partner-less.  I put it out there so you can have assurance behind my words.  Talk is cheap show me is how I used to be.  I showed you and the world.  Again I am not mad at you.  No reason to be.  If this upsets you, then I am sorry.  But I will move forward from this point.      

Its Mothers day!  First to all the parents not just moms whom read my blog.  Happy Mothers Day.  To the biological parents of Kiyomi and Hatsuko......you have given away such a precious gift.  I wish you well, but I will never doubt the foolishness of your choice.  To Umi congrats hon.  This time next year you will be enjoying May 5th Children's day with your baby and looking forward to a mothers day with special meaning. 

Today I joined the ranks of those whom got to enjoy this day.  I was so glowing about Umi I forgot what today was.  I am still glowing.  To be honest I feel as if I am the one who is pregnant.  That wont happen though.

Now on to something I must do here. 

All of you have read my comments on Kathryn.  I have to come clean.  As powerful influence she was on my life.  She has been gone.  She has been gone for such a long time that it was very hard for me to get past that point.  Coming to Japan, becoming a mom, making a new life here, has occupied my time.  Being here has allowed me to get over the past.  Somewhat.  There is one more thing.  Not really a thing but a person.  It took me to get here and start over to make me realize that someone else was stepping back loving me from afar.  All the while trying to be just a friend.  She knows Kathryn.  They chatted.  We three even sat back in a hot tub together and shared girl stories.  She watched Kathryn and I go our separate ways and she watched Kathryn return to help me back in 2007 when some serious drama messed up my life and my head.  My attention though was again on Kathryn, however this other lady still walked with me and never used my weakness to gain something more.

During that time I watched her get her heart broken not once but twice.  One was my fault because I got her in a relationship that didn’t work out.  The second was were a woman merely just broke her heart because of the cardinal rule that a lesbian must never date a bisexual girl.  All the while she still longed only for the same thing I desired.  And that’s to be loved.

Nekorina aka Lien.  I don’t want to hide what I see now is something special with you.  We both have families we both have careers and we both have obligations.  It took me his long to see what was right in plain view.  I am so sorry for never seeing what I see in you now.  I cannot completely change what I have now for I am grateful.  But I would like for you and I to talk a walk together and see were this road leads us.  I kept my word on not wanting to date anyone.  Yet I cannot deny what I see now as pure love.  So I will ask you here now in this blog for the world to see.

Dearest Nekorina.  Will you take my hand here and now and walk with me and together lets see were this road leads us?  So that I have reason to break my word and start what may become something beautiful  and a new larger family. 

So will you take my hand.  Answer me here please.  Even if it is a no, I want you to answer me here.

Hi everyone:

I am so excited I cannot sleep.  I was at the other house cleaning it when I heard my note book chime.  It was my sister UMI.  I asked her for her blessing on a personal matter that I will write about following this blog. 

I am proud to announce my real life sister is pregnant.  For those of you in Second Life, this is a RL pregnancy!  Did you hear that?!?!?!?   Umi is having a baby!   I jumped around that old house in happiness.  I was jumping around screaming in Happiness.  I was just so excited.  Oh my the feeling that overcame me.  Umi had told me a few weeks ago that perhaps what was missing in my life was a family of my own really.  And now that I had adopted I was in my own world.  She saw me close the book on one part of my life and begin a new chapter.  Now here she is with a  family of her own.  Can you imagine the experience she will have.  Feeling that child grow? 

I had totally forgot I had left the new laptop in the closet.  This entire empty house and the new laptop was still here!  Talk about a string of Luck!  I powered it on re-downloaded SL and bingo here I was hugging my sister online!  I was so happy.  Our friend Tes Tiramisu dropped in to say hello.  Oh my god, can you imagine the new baby clothes I get to shop for?  Little baby dresses and hats!  Little Booties, toys!  I am going to spoil that kid to no end! 

OK

You all been waiting patiently.  Drum Roll please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I purchased a new home in the northern end of Hiroshima City.  This house is used but its rather large.  Nice part it is like an American home with an enclosed garage for 4 cars.  % bedrooms and 3 stories.  Now why such a big house?  Easy, one its located a lot closer to Kiyomis school.  Second there is a very good athletics facility nearby were not only I can work out, but it has better classes for Hatsuko's gymnastics.  But most of all I have a great view of Hiroshima and I am deep in suburbia were its more quiet.  More space each girl will have her own room.  One very large master bedroom.  The bathroom alone here seats six easy.  That’s great than the 1 person tub I have at the house here.  I also liked the enclosed garage.  I adore the security of coming home from grocery and if its hot or cold I can close the garage via remote.  Neither car will be sun exposed.  My father home here did require a lot of repair, but recently a little tremor resulted in us staying at the Parco Hotel in downtown Hiroshima.  It wasn’t a earthquake really more like a simple jolt but it cracked the wall big time.  The house ca be repaired but until then it will need work.  So what I will do is move into the new home and have a full fledge repair of the old one and then talk to the housing department at Iwakuni Air Station.  Perhaps a military family can move in since there is a park near it for children.

But again why 5 bedrooms?  Cause I need to keep my promise.  I am looking to adopt one more child!  I have been starting new petition.  I will return to Arizona this summer to check on the home there.  I'm debating whether or to to bring Kiyomi and Hatsuko.  Why?  Cause they will be in school.  Why yank them out for 12 days?  It will only hurt their education and I can have a relative stay at the new house. 

Now on to more news.  My sister Mel launched her 4th album and she actually dedicated the album to me.  Reading that blew my mind.  I love you and I am proud of you!  It started out slow but its taking Japan one step at a time.  When Paradise is released I think it will explode as an international hit.  Thank you for allowing me to be a part of it! 

Well this house is done being packed.  Its amazing how much crap you accumulate in a short amount of time.  I wont have the net at the new house just yet.  Umi you been hard to reach lately.  I want to speak to you regarding Nekorina. 

To Diana, Wonny, CC and Tiara.  You girls are on my mind big time.  Please go see Wolf at OD.  I passed to him the track of Paradise.  He will get it to you.  Tanzie, Ortho, Rayne, Yousa, Wolf, Kiaa, Karalyn, Riri, Eleni, William, Angelisimo, Marcc, Warmspirit, Lady Emerist, Ankari, Frogg, Jaycatt, Noma, Gilka, Harper, Holli, Zeta, Will, Carmella, Nicole, DigitalChaos, Choyce, JB, Chino, Cylest, Collin, Jessica, Krimson, Amar, Lolita, Bubbles, Susan Tsuki, Susan Dangle, Tes, Ladyjane, Trout, Angel, Wyldchild, Callie, and to everyone else who showed me kindness.  I want you all to especially know that my life has come full circle.  I am great full.  I am in so much peace in my spirit and my heart.  Retuning to SL and leaving again hurt like hell.  I love you all.  I really do.  I want you to know that so badly.  So much.  I am no longer in pain.  Mel allowed me to finish the last song on her album.  From the arrangements to the instruments.  Its there in black and white for the world to read.  You my friends mean so much to me.  Once you hear Paradise you will know I have found who I am again.  I am finally free!   My dearest friends I am finally free!  For those in SL who are still reading my blog I am sure WOLF wont mind streaming it for you or sharing!  

For those of you who been waiting patiently for this update.  Thank you! 

I have received countless of messages from so many of you requesting me to continue my blogs and why have I not written?  Are you and your children OK?  To answer you all.  Yes we are fine.  Life has had a change here.  Gymnastic, Tennis, Piano lessons, Homework, Guitar Lessons; my time has turned into full speed.  So please forgive me, cause when I am doing all of this I am busy and when I am not doing all of this, I am working from home contacting my firm in Arizona.  And in the mix of all this I am still trying to be a mom.

Now for the negative side of this blog.

Larry  the one I posted in this blog has continued to harass me via private messages.  I had to threaten to pursue legal action.  But after thinking it through, I then felt that this will continue to a point were if I do return to the United States I and my girls could be victimized by a seriously disturbed individual.  So I contacted local authorities here in Hatsukaichi with the Japanese National Police.  Then I followed this up with a phone call to authorities both in my city back home and the Maricopa County Sheriff.  I have even gone so far as to consult legal counsel and secured representation to pursue any and all necessary avenues to protect my dwellings, my employees at my firm, my children and myself.  I turned over all messages to Microsoft, Police, and Legal Counsel.  There is more than enough messages to constitute harassment.

Now with that said I am going to end this blog and go back to bed.  I will bring everyone up to speed but not tonight.  I just wanted to let you know just how far this has gotten.  Thank you for being patient with me.